Hello Compadres,
I am sorry it has been so long since I dusted off the old Macintosh and wrote to you all again. Life has been crazy lately. I went from recovering from major surgery to reeling and dealing to get my career of the ground. I used to sit at home and wait for an opportunity to get out and launch my acting career while watching reruns of the All My Children. Today, I barely have time to sit down and enjoy a nice meal of smoked kibbles and a glass of Sauvignon Blanc (let alone keep track of what Erica Kane’s ass is doing on AMC). But like they say, when it rains it pours… Or in my case, when it snows in blizzards!
Let me take a break from my acting career to tell you about my near death experience in the blizzard. It all started at 4pm when the winds were just starting to pick up and the snow was whirling around like Dorothy’s house in the Wizard of Oz. I was at home in front of the fire with a sappy Nicholas Sparks novel in one hand and a Peppermint Mocha Latte in the other. As I approached Chapter 4 of “Nights in Rodanthe” I realized that it was Wine Wednesday. With my busy schedule, I had completely forgot that tonight was my turn to pick up the Moscato D’ Asti that my mother thought so fondly of. On a side note, watching her drink a bottle of Moscato was like watching a toddler at feeding time- my momma sucked that thing down like there was no tomorrow.
Anyhow, I knew that I had to put my life at risk and weather to storm so my mom could partake in Wednesday’s normal festivities after her hectic Hump Day. I bundled up in my snow gear and definitely resembeled Ralphie’s brother on a Christmas story. I went to the garage, started my Barbie GTX Turbo cruiser and headed out in the blizzard. Before I even pulled out of my neighborhood, my car felt like it had slid more times than Albert Pujols in a double header. But, my momma needed wine and I needed to be the brave man that I was and cater to my momma’s needs. I mean, she was the woman who spent 72 hours in labor with me for Christ sake.
After more slippin' and slidin' I finally made it to the crowned jewel of all liquor stores…. Binny’s Beverage Depot. I immediately went to the Italian wine section and snatched up 5 bottles of the pricey $4.99 Barefoot brand Moscato, checked out and was off again. Just when I was about to turn onto my street, I saw the most magnificent snowflake land on my windshield. This snowflake was perfect in every way and was the kind of snowflake that people write about in books. It was the kind of snowflake that school teachers so desperately try to make out of paper and scissors to display in their classrooms for parent teacher conferences. It captured my attention and mezmerized me to the point of forgetting that I was operating a barbie motor vehicle.
When I looked up, I realized that I was about to hit a stop sign. I slammed on the brakes as my beautiful pink car did a 360, smashed into a snow bank and ejected me from out the top (note that Barbie cruisers have no roof). As I was hurling through the air like a boomerang, I thought that I was a goner for sure. I landed plump in the middle of the street and instead of crashing on the concrete, my Ralphie’s brother’s-esque wardrobe bounced me back up and caused me to stick my landing on my hind two's like Dominique Dawes in her prime. My beloved snow suit had saved my from an unlikely demise. Thank goodness I wasn’t that famous yet, or else my photos would be plastered all over tabloids like Charles Barkley after his DUI.
Standing there alone, I did all that I could. I popped open the trunk of my snow bank ridden car, got out the 5 bottles of Moscato and headed down the road. Was I sad that my car was probably toast? A little. Was I sad that I had to walk 3 blocks in one of Chicago’s worst storms? I guess. Was I happy to be alive? Of course. But most importantly, was I happy to get home safely and enjoy a night of drinking with my mother? ABSOLUTELY!
Signing off,
Phoenix Jaquim
