It has been nearly a decade in doggy years since I wrote my last entry. Time has slipped by and I haven't quite had a moment to sit on my Acer and jot down my thoughts. Well finally, the little voice in my head begged me to write. So I told my conchness that I would write today and give my brain some exercise.
Today, I write to you poolside in the land that was named after me, Phoenix. The current temperature is 75 degrees and the wind is blowing due North at approximately 1.34 mph- Siri told me. At the moment, I sipping a mojito and reading "Martha Stewart's Encyclopedia of Crafts". It is only 11am but I feel like I have been up for hours. Time sure does creep along when you are retired.
I am in Phoenix for another month. I am staying with my gramgram and my great grandpop. Mom said daycare wasn't in her budget this month because she needed to spend money on her other kids- Jim, Jack and Margarita. In any case, Gramgram and great grandpop have been treating me nicely and feeding me table scraps fit for a king. Prime Rib, pork chops, hamburger helper, filet, rice a roni, you name it- I've gotten it. Gramgram also gives me a special little white pill when I am really hyper and it makes me really tired and gassy. I am not sure what this magical pill is, but Gramgram gives it to me when she says she needs a God damn break. That bitch Harlow (mom said I can call her that because she really is one in all senses of the word) is still here too. Luckily she waters Gramgram's carpet a lot and leaves tootsie rolls throughout the house so she spends a lot of time in what Gramgram calls "the dog house".
With Harlow locked up, I am pretty much on my own to explore the desert. Sometimes I walk to the local Starbucks and get a macchiatto and an Apple Fritter. The combination of the two is like a Paula Dean Thanksgiving explosion in my mouth. Other times, I go to little boutiques like TJ Max and Kohls to shop. Everything there is too expensive for me, so I usually just gaze into the window. In reality, I can't shop in Phoenix at all because there aren't many Dollar Castles or Aldi's around.
From exploring Scottsdale/Phoenix/Paradise Valley I have discovered that the women here are rather... different. Not to stereotype them all, but I have seen more plastic here than I have at Ikea. I have also never seen such melons anywhere else. I am used to seeing grapes, tangerines and the occassional apples in Illinois. The only thing I see here are full blown watermelons that must have grown in a flood.
The good part about being out here is the golf. Let me tell you, my game has improved by at least 3 strokes. I have golfed at prestigious courses like Fiddlesticks, Crackerjax and Castles and Coasters. Some call these courses "mini" but there ain't nothing mini about my golf game. I am the next Phil Mickelson- only Cuban, poor and a lot less less attractive.
The other thing that I enjoy about Phoenix is the early bedtime. Gramgram says there are a lot of "snowbirds" and lots of people who are re-wired that live here. I didn't know you could re-wire a person, but I guess that makes them go to sleepytown early. Gramgram and great grandpop go to sleep early too so that means I can sneak down to Old Scottsdale and re-live my college years with the locals. I have also met a few foxy ladies at these establishments and ended up skiing in Flagstaff at 4am. Tequila sure does make me do crazy things.
To close here, I really am enjoying my time here and I am enjoying spending time with hot women and lots of grey hairs. With that being said, I do miss my mommy ever so much. I hope some day I will be able to meet my brothers Jim and Jack and my sister Margarita to see what they are like. Mom must really care about them if she left me behind to be with them.
Grand Canyon State Phoenix, OUT!
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