You know that feeling that you get when you're stuck somewhere in public and you need to take a poop? Everyone knows what I am talking about. That nervous, panicked feeling that comes over your body like a tidal wave. You get the upper lip sweat and begin to fidget your feet and pray to the good lord that there is a bathroom nearby so you can go and make your deposit. Well, that is the feeling that I got when I heard my aunt Peanut was carefully selecting her wedding party.
Aunt Peanut's decision making process lasted about 1 week. Talk about a DIVA. She told eveyone that once she selected her peers that would be in the wedding party, she would post a list on her website. I'm not sure if she thinks she is having tryouts for the US Volleyball team or what, but I thought this process was a little strange. In any case, Aunt Peanut emailed countless people on May 15th and said:
"I appreciate all of your patience while I have been debating on who to include in my wedding party. It was a grueling process and unfortunately, not everyone was able to make the cut. If you did not make the cut, I am very sorry because I know my wedding is going to be absolutely fabulous. No hard feelings though... If George Clooney ever takes a second look at me, I will be ready to sign my divorce papers and re-marry and re-select a wedding party depending on what gifts I receive and how good they are. Did I mention that I love my fiance? Anyhow, here is the list of people who made the cut:
http://www.mywedding.com/amandaandkurt/wedding_party.html
Thanks everyone! I will make a beautiful bride.
Xoxo,
Peanut"
I frantically scrolled down the wedding party page to see if my name was on the list. Was I in the Bridal Party? No, but hey, I'm a guy so it wouldn't make sense for me to be there. I scrolled down some more... I see some good looking guys on the groom's side so I have got to be here! Scrolling still... all the way to the bottom of the page and there is no Phoenix Jaquim anywhere on the list. Was I chosen to be the best man, no! Was I chosen to be a groomsman, no! I'm not above being a bridesmaid, but was I chosen for that? no! Not even the ring bearer like Jinxy cat got to be on Meet the Parents!
After crying harder than I cry after watching Marley and Me and after 3 hours had passed I was ready to do what any reasonable woman on her cycle would do. I was ready to watch chick flicks with a tub of Ben and Jerry's ice cream and cry some more. How could my Aunt disrespect me like that? Was it because the color of my fur? Was it because I used to poop in her shoes? Was it because I told her that I had some underlying sexual feelings for my soon to be Uncle Kurt? Or was it the time I tinkled on her expensive white rug and laughed about it? That had to be it! Aunt Peanut was so upset when I ruined her white rug. She cursed and cursed the day that she came home and found neon colored artwork drizzled all over her rug!
I immediately got an idea! I would get Peanut a new rug. A more elegant and sophisticated rug than she had ever seen! Screw the Ben and Jerry's, I needed to go to the best place that I could think of to get a new rug! Next stop on my list was Kmart! I love Kmart so much and always get gifts from this magical place. I knew that would have just what I needed to tickle my Aunt Peanut's fancy so she would allow for me to stand up in her wedding.
Six hours and and $95 dollars later, I triumphantly walked out of KMart with a brand new rug and some shaving gel that I purchased for my beard. This rug was the picasso of rugs and was one of the most beautiful things that I have ever laid eyes on. There was NO way that Aunt Peanut and soon to be uncle Kurt Would not let me be in their wedding when I presented them with this gift.
I phoned Uncle Peanut on my way home and asked her if I could stop over for a Puppachino and some biscuits. She obliged and invited me over to her home. When I arrived, I was greeted with beggin strips and a nummy Puppachino. I left the rug in the hallway so I could surprise her when the right moment arose. Per usual, Aunt Peanut was asking Aunty like things like how obedience school was going, if I was still being bullied by Wrigley the Rottweiler at the dog park, etc.
A few moments into our chat I brought up the wedding. Aunt Peanut said, "Oh yeah, Phoenix- I am so sorry that we didn't have room for you in the wedding."
"It's ok" I replied with smirk on my face. I continued, " I have something to present to you as a last ditch effort to be accepted into the party."
I ran to the hallway and presented Aunt Peanut with the beautiful KMart rug.
"Wow!" she gasped
Before she went any futher I quoted Julia Roberts in My Best Friend's Wedding.
I said, "Pick me, choose me, love me."
To be continued...
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