Adios Chicago

Hello friends

Recently, I have been feeling 100% like my old self. With that being said, of course I have been itching to get out and explore; like pre- surgery Phoenix would. I decided that Chicago is far too cold for me and that my Cuban blood cannot handle these arctic weather conditions any longer. I wondered how Ricky Ricardo handled living in New York City all those years. Then it dawned on me... Ricky Ricardo didn't actually live in the Big Apple, the show was filmed in LA! If the most macho and handsome Cuban man I knew could not handle the cold weather, then neither could I!

I knew that something needed to be done and fast! Luckily, one morning as I was listening to Eric and Kathy, I heard the promotion for "Chips, Dip and a Mexico Trip". A light bulb immediately illuminated in my tiny yet wise-beyond-my-years brain. I would book a trip to Mexico! However, I wouldn't invite anyone else because I didn't have enough cash to bring a lady friend or old chum. It would be fine though, I could always meet a nice Mexican woman like Christina Banuelos and take her back home and make her my queen. (Sidenote: The woman that I marry will be spoiled rotten and I will swaddle her in golden linen and drape her in the finest jewelry from Forever 21.)

Well, immediately I went to expedia.com and booked myself a one- way ticket to Puerto Vallerta. This little man was going to Mexico to enjoy ladies, tequila and the finest drugs that Mexico had to offer. I was ready to embark on the journey of a lifetime!

A week passed and before I knew it, I was headed to the airport and ready for Mexico! I was dressed in my finest Tommy Bahama shirt and I wore pair of flip flops (courtesy of my mom's american girl doll) along with a sombrero to complete my ensemble. When I got to the airport and tried to check in, the airline realized that I was a pup and not a human. They told me that I would need a human and a carrier to get on the flight. What was I? Some sort of animal?!

Luckily, I found a nice elderly woman who agreed to purchase a carrier for me and take me on the flight with her. All she wanted in return was my game of Bingo that I had brought along as well as a bottle of Gin and a slice of aged cheddar cheese. Old people will do anything to get in on a game of Bingo and I knew Gertrude (as I came to know her) was going to be tipping back that bottle of Gin during our flight. I was glad that I was going to be getting the brunt of her cheese smelling flatulence, as I would be riding under her seat. I always a fetish for cheese in the form of farts.

4 hours later and I was in Mehico! I checked into my five star hotel that some call Motel 8 and I was ready to hit the surf and sand. I lathered my ripped chest and chiseled abs with hot moroccan oil and put on my speedo. I was so ready to spit game near the Ocean with hot pups.  

Upon arrival at the beach, I could tell that there were a lot of tourists and a few "locals". I laid my towel out and waited for the ladies to gravitate toward me, it was only a matter of time. Yep... Any minute they would be flocking toward me like a stampede of tweens at a Justin Bieber concert.

About an hour or so passed and still no bites from a lady... So, I decided to take a little nap, or "siesta" as my Mexican friends would say. Moments later, I was awoken by two taps on my shoulder. I opened my eyes only to see the ugliest bitch (literally) that I had ever seen. Standing in front of my towel was a Rex dog! You heard me right... A REX dog- furless, ugly and not to mention the fact that she was missing her left canine incisor!

This dog was.... A stray!!! I had never come into contact with a stray before! She probably had an STD (stinky tooth disorder)

"Hey big boy. I seen ya sunnin' ova hure and I reconned that I stop and innerduce myself" she said as she reached out her paw to shake mine

I immediately tucked my paw behind my back so I didn't have to shake her paw. God only knows where it had been. "Hi, Uh... My name is ummmm...." I couldn't give her my real name, she would Facebook stalk me.. "Ummm my name is Sir Lancelot of Niles" that was the first name that popped into my head.

"My name be Trixie, but my friends call me Clementine".

Oh great... Here I was like a character out of a movie. It was like we were in Pretty Woman. I was Richard Gere- suave, smart and undoubtedly sexy. I guess Clementine was Julia Roberts only way was way uglier, stupid and bald. How would I get myself out of this pickle?

To Be Continued……

Don't Cry for me ArgenPHEEna

Hello Peasants,

I apologize for the lag in my response time. I have been at home doing activities at a grueling pace.  My daily schedule is as follows:
-Wake up
-Read the Wall Street Journal and enjoy a nice cup of herbal green tea accompanied by a vanilla pecan biscotti
-Watch Oprah whilst taking notes on how to take over the world, particularly India (I've always had a soft spot for curry and maharashtra)
-Partake in a game of Yatzee with Wrigley
-Intently absorb Fox News with my Grandma while adopting conservative values and wondering just how many people Rush Limbaugh must have eaten to get that fat
-Prank call Long John Silvers
-Take a steamer in the Sauna
-Unwind with a cup of Kahula and Expresso

Anyhow, my test results are in and they are still unsure of my diagnosis. Although the enzyme level in my liver has decreased following my near fatal surgery, the tests still show that my liver is abnormal. They tell me it could be a liver shunt.. I'm not sure what that means since it's so difficult to navigate a keyboard with one paw... I wasn't able to "google it" so if you want to know what it is then look it up yourself you damn humans with functional phalanges... Sorry for the rant. Im not bitter... Anywho, I most recently I found out that I have a murmur in the upper chamber of my heart. My mom said this is because my heart has been working so hard to distribute love and joy to all the people I have come in contact with. She also said that my heart worked extra hard while frisking her stuffed animals before I got fixed. Well, I have an EKG scheduled for Dec 22 and a CT scan scheduled for Dec 23. I feel like I should just move all my belongings to the hospital because that is where I spend most of my time. I have already left a flask of Jack Daniels in my doctor's office and I sneak swigs of it while the doc interacts with my ma and granny. All I  am missing is my termpurpedic bed, humidifier and bag of low fat trail mix.

The weeks ahead will hopefully show more promising results and I have every hope that the doctor will have a concrete game plan on how to proceed. I feel so bad for my poor mother. She has been running herself ragged working extra hours at the office to pay my medical bills. She also has been selling bags of powdered sugar on the street corner. Who knew that people would pay so much money for that stuff! I am just thankful that I have a loving mother who can support me financially without the help of a man. Mom said it's a woman's world now, just look at how far that chick from Wasilla has come...

In closing, I can promise you all this much... I will not go down without a fight! I will not succumb to this disease and lay in bed like Terri Shivo, God rest her soul. I will go out and preach the good word of the lord just like my dear friend Jerry springer. I will find a lady, draw her naked, give her a necklace and save her from a sinking ship. I will find out one of the greatest mysteries on earth, how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootise pop. And I WILL go to Yosemite National Park an have a picnic with Yogi Bear and Boo Boo too! Like my mom says, You can take the dog out of the fight, but you cannot take the fight out of the dog!

Hugs and kissies,

Your brave and tiny future leader of the free world,

Phoenix

Ps- don't forget to have your pet spayed or neutered

When in.... Bed...

Shalom Friends,

It has been just over a week since my life altering medical procedure took place. I am feeling pretty inconsistent lately. One moment  I feel like the Von Trapp children, rolling through the meadow and singing about drops of golden sun. The next moment I feel as low as Nancy Kerrigan after she got bladed by Tonya Harding. Needless to say, my emotions are all over the place and so is my energy. But, I can tell you this much- what I lack in energy, I make up for in gas. If my Grandma lights a match in this house…. All of DuPage County will go up in flames. The house wreaks of sulfur, rotisserie chicken and jack daniels- and that’s on a good day.

Anyways, I am still confined to a small 6 by 8 space. Now I know how OJ must feel.  I have different activities that keep me occupied and make the time go by faster. I am an avid tiddly wink player, a whiz at hungry hungry hippos and I have mastered the art of pick up sticks. However, there is one game that I haven’t conquered- Where’s Waldo! Well, I don’t know where the hell Waldo is because I can never find him. I would have an easier time flying to Afghanistan drunk and blindfolded and finding Osama Bin Laden. My mom says that I can do anything that I put my mind to, but sometimes I don’t believe her. Sure, I am a smart lad with a smokin’ hot bod, but sometimes I feel like I try to take on too much. I would tell you more, but I should probably speak with my therapist about this first.

 

Now back to what I was saying. My days are long and my nights sometimes feel like an eternity. I am only allowed human visitors and I miss my fellow furballs. What I would give to be able to buy a bag of catnip from PJ and light it up while watching Fantasia.  But right now that is just a fantasy. My real world is waking up startled to nightmares that I was a Lhasa Apso/ Shih Tzu mix. These nightmares are not ok!

As the next few days pass, I anticipate a spike in hormones, productivity and four legged visitors. For now, I will go back to watching re-runs of I Love Lucy and listening to Bohemian Rhapsody on repeat.

Signing off,

Phoenix Jaquim Aslan