Adios Chicago

Hello friends

Recently, I have been feeling 100% like my old self. With that being said, of course I have been itching to get out and explore; like pre- surgery Phoenix would. I decided that Chicago is far too cold for me and that my Cuban blood cannot handle these arctic weather conditions any longer. I wondered how Ricky Ricardo handled living in New York City all those years. Then it dawned on me... Ricky Ricardo didn't actually live in the Big Apple, the show was filmed in LA! If the most macho and handsome Cuban man I knew could not handle the cold weather, then neither could I!

I knew that something needed to be done and fast! Luckily, one morning as I was listening to Eric and Kathy, I heard the promotion for "Chips, Dip and a Mexico Trip". A light bulb immediately illuminated in my tiny yet wise-beyond-my-years brain. I would book a trip to Mexico! However, I wouldn't invite anyone else because I didn't have enough cash to bring a lady friend or old chum. It would be fine though, I could always meet a nice Mexican woman like Christina Banuelos and take her back home and make her my queen. (Sidenote: The woman that I marry will be spoiled rotten and I will swaddle her in golden linen and drape her in the finest jewelry from Forever 21.)

Well, immediately I went to expedia.com and booked myself a one- way ticket to Puerto Vallerta. This little man was going to Mexico to enjoy ladies, tequila and the finest drugs that Mexico had to offer. I was ready to embark on the journey of a lifetime!

A week passed and before I knew it, I was headed to the airport and ready for Mexico! I was dressed in my finest Tommy Bahama shirt and I wore pair of flip flops (courtesy of my mom's american girl doll) along with a sombrero to complete my ensemble. When I got to the airport and tried to check in, the airline realized that I was a pup and not a human. They told me that I would need a human and a carrier to get on the flight. What was I? Some sort of animal?!

Luckily, I found a nice elderly woman who agreed to purchase a carrier for me and take me on the flight with her. All she wanted in return was my game of Bingo that I had brought along as well as a bottle of Gin and a slice of aged cheddar cheese. Old people will do anything to get in on a game of Bingo and I knew Gertrude (as I came to know her) was going to be tipping back that bottle of Gin during our flight. I was glad that I was going to be getting the brunt of her cheese smelling flatulence, as I would be riding under her seat. I always a fetish for cheese in the form of farts.

4 hours later and I was in Mehico! I checked into my five star hotel that some call Motel 8 and I was ready to hit the surf and sand. I lathered my ripped chest and chiseled abs with hot moroccan oil and put on my speedo. I was so ready to spit game near the Ocean with hot pups.  

Upon arrival at the beach, I could tell that there were a lot of tourists and a few "locals". I laid my towel out and waited for the ladies to gravitate toward me, it was only a matter of time. Yep... Any minute they would be flocking toward me like a stampede of tweens at a Justin Bieber concert.

About an hour or so passed and still no bites from a lady... So, I decided to take a little nap, or "siesta" as my Mexican friends would say. Moments later, I was awoken by two taps on my shoulder. I opened my eyes only to see the ugliest bitch (literally) that I had ever seen. Standing in front of my towel was a Rex dog! You heard me right... A REX dog- furless, ugly and not to mention the fact that she was missing her left canine incisor!

This dog was.... A stray!!! I had never come into contact with a stray before! She probably had an STD (stinky tooth disorder)

"Hey big boy. I seen ya sunnin' ova hure and I reconned that I stop and innerduce myself" she said as she reached out her paw to shake mine

I immediately tucked my paw behind my back so I didn't have to shake her paw. God only knows where it had been. "Hi, Uh... My name is ummmm...." I couldn't give her my real name, she would Facebook stalk me.. "Ummm my name is Sir Lancelot of Niles" that was the first name that popped into my head.

"My name be Trixie, but my friends call me Clementine".

Oh great... Here I was like a character out of a movie. It was like we were in Pretty Woman. I was Richard Gere- suave, smart and undoubtedly sexy. I guess Clementine was Julia Roberts only way was way uglier, stupid and bald. How would I get myself out of this pickle?

To Be Continued……