-Wake up
-Read the Wall Street Journal and enjoy a nice cup of herbal green tea accompanied by a vanilla pecan biscotti
-Watch Oprah whilst taking notes on how to take over the world, particularly India (I've always had a soft spot for curry and maharashtra)
-Partake in a game of Yatzee with Wrigley
-Intently absorb Fox News with my Grandma while adopting conservative values and wondering just how many people Rush Limbaugh must have eaten to get that fat
-Prank call Long John Silvers
-Take a steamer in the Sauna
-Unwind with a cup of Kahula and Expresso
Anyhow, my test results are in and they are still unsure of my diagnosis. Although the enzyme level in my liver has decreased following my near fatal surgery, the tests still show that my liver is abnormal. They tell me it could be a liver shunt.. I'm not sure what that means since it's so difficult to navigate a keyboard with one paw... I wasn't able to "google it" so if you want to know what it is then look it up yourself you damn humans with functional phalanges... Sorry for the rant. Im not bitter... Anywho, I most recently I found out that I have a murmur in the upper chamber of my heart. My mom said this is because my heart has been working so hard to distribute love and joy to all the people I have come in contact with. She also said that my heart worked extra hard while frisking her stuffed animals before I got fixed. Well, I have an EKG scheduled for Dec 22 and a CT scan scheduled for Dec 23. I feel like I should just move all my belongings to the hospital because that is where I spend most of my time. I have already left a flask of Jack Daniels in my doctor's office and I sneak swigs of it while the doc interacts with my ma and granny. All I am missing is my termpurpedic bed, humidifier and bag of low fat trail mix.
The weeks ahead will hopefully show more promising results and I have every hope that the doctor will have a concrete game plan on how to proceed. I feel so bad for my poor mother. She has been running herself ragged working extra hours at the office to pay my medical bills. She also has been selling bags of powdered sugar on the street corner. Who knew that people would pay so much money for that stuff! I am just thankful that I have a loving mother who can support me financially without the help of a man. Mom said it's a woman's world now, just look at how far that chick from Wasilla has come...
In closing, I can promise you all this much... I will not go down without a fight! I will not succumb to this disease and lay in bed like Terri Shivo, God rest her soul. I will go out and preach the good word of the lord just like my dear friend Jerry springer. I will find a lady, draw her naked, give her a necklace and save her from a sinking ship. I will find out one of the greatest mysteries on earth, how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootise pop. And I WILL go to Yosemite National Park an have a picnic with Yogi Bear and Boo Boo too! Like my mom says, You can take the dog out of the fight, but you cannot take the fight out of the dog!
Hugs and kissies,
Your brave and tiny future leader of the free world,
Phoenix
Ps- don't forget to have your pet spayed or neutered
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