Never a Groomsman, never a Groom...

You know that feeling that you get when you're stuck somewhere in public and you need to take a poop? Everyone knows what I am talking about. That nervous, panicked feeling that comes over your body like a tidal wave. You get the upper lip sweat and begin to fidget your feet and pray to the good lord that there is a bathroom nearby so you can go and make your deposit. Well, that is the feeling that I got when I heard my aunt Peanut was carefully selecting her wedding party.

Aunt Peanut's decision making process lasted about 1 week. Talk about a DIVA. She told eveyone that once she selected her peers that would be in the wedding party, she would post a list on her website. I'm not sure if she thinks she is having tryouts for the US Volleyball team or what, but I thought this process was a little strange. In any case, Aunt Peanut emailed countless people on May 15th and said:

"I appreciate all of your patience while I have been debating on who to include in my wedding party. It was a grueling process and unfortunately, not everyone was able to make the cut. If you did not make the cut, I am very sorry because I know my wedding is going to be absolutely fabulous. No hard feelings though... If George Clooney ever takes a second look at me, I will be ready to sign my divorce papers and re-marry and re-select a wedding party depending on what gifts I receive and how good they are. Did I mention that I love my fiance? Anyhow, here is the list of people who made the cut:

http://www.mywedding.com/amandaandkurt/wedding_party.html

Thanks everyone! I will make a beautiful bride.

Xoxo,

Peanut"

I frantically scrolled down the wedding party page to see if my name was on the list. Was I in the Bridal Party? No, but hey, I'm a guy so it wouldn't make sense for me to be there. I scrolled down some more... I see some good looking guys on the groom's side so I have got to be here! Scrolling still... all the way to the bottom of the page and there is no Phoenix Jaquim anywhere on the list. Was I chosen to be the best man, no! Was I chosen to be a groomsman, no! I'm not above being a bridesmaid, but was I chosen for that? no! Not even the ring bearer like Jinxy cat got to be on Meet the Parents!

After crying harder than I cry after watching Marley and Me and after 3 hours had passed I was ready to do what any reasonable woman on her cycle would do. I was ready to watch chick flicks with a tub of Ben and Jerry's ice cream and cry some more. How could my Aunt disrespect me like that? Was it because the color of my fur? Was it because I used to poop in her shoes? Was it because I told her that I had some underlying sexual feelings for my soon to be Uncle Kurt? Or was it the time I tinkled on her expensive white rug and laughed about it? That had to be it! Aunt Peanut was so upset when I ruined her white rug. She cursed and cursed the day that she came home and found neon colored artwork drizzled all over her rug!

I immediately got an idea! I would get Peanut a new rug. A more elegant and sophisticated rug than she had ever seen! Screw the Ben and Jerry's, I needed to go to the best place that I could think of to get a new rug! Next stop on my list was Kmart! I love Kmart so much and always get gifts from this magical place. I knew that would have just what I needed to tickle my Aunt Peanut's fancy so she would allow for me to stand up in her wedding.

Six hours and and $95 dollars later, I triumphantly walked out of KMart with a brand new rug and some shaving gel that I purchased for my beard. This rug was the picasso of rugs and was one of the most beautiful things that I have ever laid eyes on. There was NO way that Aunt Peanut and soon to be uncle Kurt Would not let me be in their wedding when I presented them with this gift.

I phoned Uncle Peanut on my way home and asked her if I could stop over for a Puppachino and some biscuits. She obliged and invited me over to her home. When I arrived, I was greeted with beggin strips and a nummy Puppachino. I left the rug in the hallway so I could surprise her when the right moment arose. Per usual, Aunt Peanut was asking Aunty like things like how obedience school was going, if I was still being bullied by Wrigley the Rottweiler at the dog park, etc.

A few moments into our chat I brought up the wedding. Aunt Peanut said, "Oh yeah, Phoenix- I am so sorry that we didn't have room for you in the wedding."

"It's ok" I replied with smirk on my face. I continued, " I have something to present to you as a last ditch effort to be accepted into the party."

I ran to the hallway and presented Aunt Peanut with the beautiful KMart rug.

"Wow!" she gasped

Before she went any futher I quoted Julia Roberts in My Best Friend's Wedding.

I said, "Pick me, choose me, love me."

To be continued...

So this is what Retirement feels like....

Hello Measles,

It has been nearly a decade in doggy years since I wrote my last entry. Time has slipped by and I haven't quite had a moment to sit on my Acer and jot down my thoughts. Well finally, the little voice in my head begged me to write. So I told my conchness that I would write today and give my brain some exercise.

Today, I write to you poolside in the land that was named after me, Phoenix. The current temperature is 75 degrees and the wind is blowing due North at approximately 1.34 mph- Siri told me. At the moment, I sipping a mojito and reading "Martha Stewart's Encyclopedia of Crafts". It is only 11am but I feel like I have been up for hours. Time sure does creep along when you are retired.

I am in Phoenix for another month. I am staying with my gramgram and my great grandpop. Mom said daycare wasn't in her budget this month because she needed to spend money on her other kids- Jim, Jack and Margarita. In any case, Gramgram and great grandpop have been treating me nicely and feeding me table scraps fit for a king. Prime Rib, pork chops, hamburger helper, filet, rice a roni, you name it- I've gotten it. Gramgram also gives me a special little white pill when I am really hyper and it makes me really tired and gassy. I am not sure what this magical pill is, but Gramgram gives it to me when she says she needs a God damn break. That bitch Harlow (mom said I can call her that because she really is one in all senses of the word) is still here too. Luckily she waters Gramgram's carpet a lot and leaves tootsie rolls throughout the house so she spends a lot of time in what Gramgram calls "the dog house".

With Harlow locked up, I am pretty much on my own to explore the desert. Sometimes I walk to the local Starbucks and get a macchiatto and an Apple Fritter. The combination of the two is like a Paula Dean Thanksgiving explosion in my mouth. Other times, I go to little boutiques like TJ Max and Kohls to shop. Everything there is too expensive for me, so I usually just gaze into the window. In reality, I can't shop in Phoenix at all because there aren't many Dollar Castles or Aldi's around.

From exploring Scottsdale/Phoenix/Paradise Valley I have discovered that the women here are rather... different. Not to stereotype them all, but I have seen more plastic here than I have at Ikea. I have also never seen such melons anywhere else. I am used to seeing grapes, tangerines and the occassional apples in Illinois. The only thing I see here are full blown watermelons that must have grown in a flood.

The good part about being out here is the golf. Let me tell you, my game has improved by at least 3 strokes. I have golfed at prestigious courses like Fiddlesticks, Crackerjax and Castles and Coasters. Some call these courses "mini" but there ain't nothing mini about my golf game. I am the next Phil Mickelson- only Cuban, poor and a lot less less attractive.

The other thing that I enjoy about Phoenix is the early bedtime. Gramgram says there are a lot of "snowbirds" and lots of people who are re-wired that live here. I didn't know you could re-wire a person, but I guess that makes them go to sleepytown early. Gramgram and great grandpop go to sleep early too so that means I can sneak down to Old Scottsdale and re-live my college years with the locals. I have also met a few foxy ladies at these establishments and ended up skiing in Flagstaff at 4am. Tequila sure does make me do crazy things.

To close here, I really am enjoying my time here and I am enjoying spending time with hot women and lots of grey hairs. With that being said, I do miss my mommy ever so much. I hope some day I will be able to meet my brothers Jim and Jack and my sister Margarita to see what they are like. Mom must really care about them if she left me behind to be with them.

Grand Canyon State Phoenix, OUT!

My First Gig

Hello Chinchillas,

I apologize that it has taken me so long to write. Seems like the last time that I had time to jot down my thoughts was when I was watching the series finale of Dallas. On another note, as we all know, the economy is still in the pooper. Everyone keeps saying, "Oh it will get better, the housing market will pick up." I'm a waitin for the turnaround... But so far I have seen zilch, zero, nada. I'd have a better chance of seeing Courtney Love at an AA meeting than I would seeing the economy spiral back up.

Like most other families, mine has been in termoil for the past few years. My mom can barely afford to buy a box of wheaties to tide us off for the week let alone meet the payments on our sub par apartment in Wheaton's southside (some may call it a shack). By the way, that is mold growing in my shower mom, not ivory... So stop calling it Wrigley Field Jr.

Anyhow, since I assume the role of Chief Male in the house, I felt the sincere and deep yearning to provide a stellar life for my family. Since my surgery, I have been on disability but that ended last week. Nowadays, I can barely rub two pennies together to keep warm. I no longer have the luxury of buying that special head and shoulder shampoo for my dander ridden mane either.

I knew that I needed to step up to the plate ASAP. I envisioned myself as Babe Ruth and the ball as my bitch. I was going to be knocking applications out of the park until I found a high paying job that would bring riches, fame and all the Twinkies and hoho's I could imagine. Three weeks passed and I had already completed 101 applications to symbolize each dalmation in my favorite film. Was I qualified for half of the jobs? Financial analyst, CEO of a Fortune 500 Company, Toll House Elf Costume Designer, Chemical Engineer...just to name a few. Well, you be the judge.

I heard back from most of the companies two weeks later. Financial analyst-
Was told that I was less qualified than Palin was for Vice President. CEO- was told that they'd rather hire a monkey who doesn't speak English. Costume designer- they told me I'd have better luck designing outfits for Princess Beatrice. Chemical engineer- they just respond with Ha Ha Ha. I was down to one last hope and this one was the big kahuna... Head chef at Taco Bell. Clearly I had a culinary bachground (used to fry roadkill for homeless kittens) and I would even consider myself overly qualified.

"Ring ring" the phone sounded one somber spring day. I picked it up, "Phoenix and mom's house. Phoenix speaking." I heard a voice clear their throat at the other end, "Hey mang, I seen joor application for da head jeff gig. I noticed you has a backgrounds of cooking dead meow meows and road skunks. We think joor the perfect fit."

It was like the angels has lifted this huge weight off of my shoulders! Me? Head chef at the Grade-A, classy beyond classy taco bell? I was humbled! Of course I gave them my verbal agreement over the phone right away. By the next week I was frying up cheesy gordita crunches and mexican pizzas like there was no manana.

I became very popular at work. Everyone was always giving me free snacks. "This one is on the house. You are looking thin today" they would tell me. I even became part of the in-crowd that would go to Dave and Busters every week for beers and wings. The group consisted of my co-workers Cleetus, Arthur, Jollyrancher, Destiny and her child also tagged along. I must have gained at least 10 lbs in my first month working there. I looked like a furry Michelin man.

By month 2, I was even heavier. I was embarrassed to leave my house except to go to work. Co-workers continued to tell me that I looked fabulous and under weight, but the man in the mirror told a different story. How had I let myself get like this? Now I know how Arnold Shwarzanegger must feel. One day you are a chisled sex symbol and the eye candy of hundreds of Americans and the next day you're the fat disgrace that wants to crawl under a rock and die.

Month 3 at work changed everything. It was a normal Monday and I had just started frying up a chalupa. I rang the bell, which indicated that i needed more mystery meat to complete my chalupa masterpiece. Nobody answered my ring-a-ding so I decided to fetch the meat for myself. As I was walking toward the fridge, I saw a bunch of papers scattered across my manager, San Felipe's desk. I couldn't help but notice my picture on one of the pages. Naturally I stopped to admire my own image. But I couldn't have ever been prepared for what I saw on the page.

"Cheesy Gor-Pheeta crunch coming this August" the paper read. What? Me! How? My place of employment was going to chop me up into little pieces and serve me as a promotional sale item? They could have at least had the common courtesy to add me to the featured menu item of the week. But all that was beside the point! The real story here was that my co-workers were trying to fatten me up so they could cook me and serve me to customers.

I turned over my shoulder and saw San Felipe standing there with a surprised look on his face. He lunged toward me and I ran as fast as I could in the other direction. I glanced back and I saw San Felipe grab a knife off the counter as he chased me. "Oh no, this is it, I am a goner" I thought to myself. San Felipe got a hold of my collar and held the knife to my throat.

"Dis is da end of the line for joo, mang. Danks for being a good employee, but I regret to informing jew that jew are August's special, yea." As he wisked his arm back to chop my neck I heard a sexy voice yell "Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny". The next thing I knew, San Felipe's head had been blown off by an apple gun. It was not Jack Nicholson's character from the Shining that had come to my rescue and it certainly was not Johnny Depp. Low and behold, the one and only Johnny Appleseed had saved me from my demise.

Fast forward a few months later and I Johnny and I have become the best of friends. Not only did he save my life, but he helped me get my weight back in tact. He could whip up a mean apple strudel if you know what I mean. I can also honestly say that I am the happiest that I have ever been. The large settlement that I sued Taco Bell for also had a lot to do with my current mood.

Call me Ishmael, but I am uncertain of what the future holds. Perhaps I will be a globetrotter or an astronaut. It is possible that I could make a run for President. But for now.. I am just happy and healthy being Phee.

Love,

Pheedel

They Don't Call it the Windy City for Nothin'

Hello Compadres,

I am sorry it has been so long since I dusted off the old Macintosh and wrote to you all again. Life has been crazy lately. I went from recovering from major surgery to reeling and dealing to get my career of the ground. I used to sit at home and wait for an opportunity to get out and launch my acting career while watching reruns of the All My Children. Today, I barely have time to sit down and enjoy a nice meal of smoked kibbles and a glass of Sauvignon Blanc (let alone keep track of what Erica Kane’s ass is doing on AMC). But like they say, when it rains it pours… Or in my case, when it snows in blizzards!

Let me take a break from my acting career to tell you about my near death experience in the blizzard. It all started at 4pm when the winds were just starting to pick up and the snow was whirling around like Dorothy’s house in the Wizard of Oz. I was at home in front of the fire with a sappy Nicholas Sparks novel in one hand and a Peppermint Mocha Latte in the other. As I approached Chapter 4 of “Nights in Rodanthe” I realized that it was Wine Wednesday.  With my busy schedule, I had completely forgot that tonight was my turn to pick up the Moscato D’ Asti that my mother thought so fondly of. On a side note, watching her drink a bottle of Moscato was like watching a toddler at feeding time- my momma sucked that thing down like there was no tomorrow.

Anyhow, I knew that I had to put my life at risk and weather to storm so my mom could partake in Wednesday’s normal festivities after her hectic Hump Day. I bundled up in my snow gear and definitely resembeled Ralphie’s brother on a Christmas story.  I went to the garage, started my Barbie GTX Turbo cruiser and headed out in the blizzard.  Before I even pulled out of my neighborhood, my car felt like it had slid more times than Albert Pujols in a double header. But, my momma needed wine and I needed to be the brave man that I was and cater to my momma’s needs. I mean, she was the woman who spent 72 hours in labor with me for Christ sake.

After more slippin' and slidin' I finally made it to the crowned jewel of all liquor stores…. Binny’s Beverage Depot. I immediately went to the Italian wine section and snatched up 5 bottles of the pricey $4.99 Barefoot brand Moscato, checked out and was off again. Just when I was about to turn onto my street, I saw the most magnificent snowflake land on my windshield. This snowflake was perfect in every way and was the kind of snowflake that people write about in books. It was the kind of snowflake that school teachers so desperately try to make out of paper and scissors to display in their classrooms for parent teacher conferences. It captured my attention and mezmerized me to the point of forgetting that I was operating a barbie motor vehicle.

When I looked up, I realized that I was about to hit a stop sign. I slammed on the brakes as my beautiful pink car did a 360, smashed into a snow bank and ejected me from out the top (note that Barbie cruisers have no roof). As I was hurling through the air like a boomerang, I thought that I was a goner for sure. I landed plump in the middle of the street and instead of crashing on the concrete, my Ralphie’s brother’s-esque wardrobe bounced me back up and caused me to stick my landing  on my hind two's like Dominique Dawes in her prime. My beloved snow suit had saved my from an unlikely demise. Thank goodness I wasn’t that famous yet, or else my photos would be plastered all over tabloids like Charles Barkley after his DUI.

Standing there alone, I did all that I could. I popped open the trunk of my snow bank ridden car, got out the 5 bottles of Moscato and headed down the road. Was I sad that my car was probably toast? A little. Was I sad that I had to walk 3 blocks in one of Chicago’s worst storms? I guess. Was I happy to be alive? Of course. But most importantly, was I happy to get home safely and enjoy a night of drinking with my mother? ABSOLUTELY! 

Signing off,

Phoenix Jaquim 

Chuggin' Along

……Continued

Clementine inched closer and closer toward me and started rubbing my back. I won’t lie to you- that girl could give a massage… But thinking of the ugly creature that was rubbing me immediately turned off all of the good vibrations that I was feeling. Think of it this way… Would you want Christopher Walken giving you a massage? That’s what I thought…

Anyhow, Clementine relentlessly rubbed my muscular back as she tried to spit game with me. “You be so strong my little Clydesdale” she kept saying.  She slowly inched her way forward and there she was face to face with me. Oh no, she was going to plant one on me and I was going to get aids or sars or something. I had to do something to stop the kiss from happening…. I did the only thing that I could think of... I smacked her right square in the face. This was no light blow, this blow was reminiscent of Sugar Ray Leonard. Then I heard a voice…

“Phoenix…. Phoenix” the voice kept saying to me. “Phoenix, wake up you are done with surgery”. Oh no… You have got to be kidding me I thought. Was that seriously just a dream? I looked around and noticed that I was there again… At the dreaded Arboretum View-Seattle Grace Hospital. Looks like Clemetine and the Mexico trip was merely a figment of my anesthetics. It also looked like at I punched my nurse in the face, not Clementine… Oh well, I will just pull a Jamie Fox and blame it on the ah ah ah ah ah  alcohol if she decides to press charges.

With surgery number two now under my collar, I was an old pro. The results were more promising this time around as well. When the doctors split open my belly, they found that I did indeed have a liver shunt. A shunt is an abnormal blood vessel that bypasses the liver, which prevents blood from being cleansed. In layman's terms.. The shunt was causing bladder stones which made my wee wee hurt when I took a tink.

Fast forward a few weeks and here I am again... Still staying at my grandparent's house until my ma decides to pick up her broke ass and find us a place of our own. Needless to say, I do appreciate everything that my mama has done for me. She sold her car and works the vampire shift at a diner that they call Diamonds in order to pay medical bills. She is truly the most remarkable and wise woman that I know.

While recovering, my ma gave me some of the best advice that anyone could give me. She said "Phoenix, life is like a pooper scooper, you never know the size of shit that you're going to deal with everyday." These words were like chicken soup for my soul. I realized at that moment that I was put on earth for a purpose. That purpose was far more important than what I had previously thought that I was put on earth for (to be eye candy for all miniture breed dogs).

I knew that I needed to do something special. Maybe I would take a trip or go on a sabatacle.. You know, real Eat, Pray, Love type shit. I couldn't be bitter anymore for the cards that baby Jesus dealt me. I wouldn't hold a grudge for having to go on my new special rice and egg diet. Telling me to stay away from meat was like telling Lindsey Lohan to stay away from cocaine... It would be a daunting task to say the least, but with my new perspective on life- I was up for the challenge.

My purpose in life is still a little unclear, so I will have to find it somehow. Everyone has a purpose, even Pee Wee Herman and Richard Simmons have a purpose.. Don't ask me what it is, but I know that they do. I know that these next few days will be the most important days in my two years on this earth. Please bare with me as I search my soul for my true calling in life.

I will write back soon as I know my words inspire millions. In the meantime... Think about your purpose in life. Is it to put those big boats in the tiny glass bottles? Is it to go out and sell wrapping paper door to door for discounted prices? Or could it be to put the "made in china" sticker on objects? No matter how big or small... We all have a purpose. Stay tuned for mine, folks!

Much Love,


Phoenix 

Adios Chicago

Hello friends

Recently, I have been feeling 100% like my old self. With that being said, of course I have been itching to get out and explore; like pre- surgery Phoenix would. I decided that Chicago is far too cold for me and that my Cuban blood cannot handle these arctic weather conditions any longer. I wondered how Ricky Ricardo handled living in New York City all those years. Then it dawned on me... Ricky Ricardo didn't actually live in the Big Apple, the show was filmed in LA! If the most macho and handsome Cuban man I knew could not handle the cold weather, then neither could I!

I knew that something needed to be done and fast! Luckily, one morning as I was listening to Eric and Kathy, I heard the promotion for "Chips, Dip and a Mexico Trip". A light bulb immediately illuminated in my tiny yet wise-beyond-my-years brain. I would book a trip to Mexico! However, I wouldn't invite anyone else because I didn't have enough cash to bring a lady friend or old chum. It would be fine though, I could always meet a nice Mexican woman like Christina Banuelos and take her back home and make her my queen. (Sidenote: The woman that I marry will be spoiled rotten and I will swaddle her in golden linen and drape her in the finest jewelry from Forever 21.)

Well, immediately I went to expedia.com and booked myself a one- way ticket to Puerto Vallerta. This little man was going to Mexico to enjoy ladies, tequila and the finest drugs that Mexico had to offer. I was ready to embark on the journey of a lifetime!

A week passed and before I knew it, I was headed to the airport and ready for Mexico! I was dressed in my finest Tommy Bahama shirt and I wore pair of flip flops (courtesy of my mom's american girl doll) along with a sombrero to complete my ensemble. When I got to the airport and tried to check in, the airline realized that I was a pup and not a human. They told me that I would need a human and a carrier to get on the flight. What was I? Some sort of animal?!

Luckily, I found a nice elderly woman who agreed to purchase a carrier for me and take me on the flight with her. All she wanted in return was my game of Bingo that I had brought along as well as a bottle of Gin and a slice of aged cheddar cheese. Old people will do anything to get in on a game of Bingo and I knew Gertrude (as I came to know her) was going to be tipping back that bottle of Gin during our flight. I was glad that I was going to be getting the brunt of her cheese smelling flatulence, as I would be riding under her seat. I always a fetish for cheese in the form of farts.

4 hours later and I was in Mehico! I checked into my five star hotel that some call Motel 8 and I was ready to hit the surf and sand. I lathered my ripped chest and chiseled abs with hot moroccan oil and put on my speedo. I was so ready to spit game near the Ocean with hot pups.  

Upon arrival at the beach, I could tell that there were a lot of tourists and a few "locals". I laid my towel out and waited for the ladies to gravitate toward me, it was only a matter of time. Yep... Any minute they would be flocking toward me like a stampede of tweens at a Justin Bieber concert.

About an hour or so passed and still no bites from a lady... So, I decided to take a little nap, or "siesta" as my Mexican friends would say. Moments later, I was awoken by two taps on my shoulder. I opened my eyes only to see the ugliest bitch (literally) that I had ever seen. Standing in front of my towel was a Rex dog! You heard me right... A REX dog- furless, ugly and not to mention the fact that she was missing her left canine incisor!

This dog was.... A stray!!! I had never come into contact with a stray before! She probably had an STD (stinky tooth disorder)

"Hey big boy. I seen ya sunnin' ova hure and I reconned that I stop and innerduce myself" she said as she reached out her paw to shake mine

I immediately tucked my paw behind my back so I didn't have to shake her paw. God only knows where it had been. "Hi, Uh... My name is ummmm...." I couldn't give her my real name, she would Facebook stalk me.. "Ummm my name is Sir Lancelot of Niles" that was the first name that popped into my head.

"My name be Trixie, but my friends call me Clementine".

Oh great... Here I was like a character out of a movie. It was like we were in Pretty Woman. I was Richard Gere- suave, smart and undoubtedly sexy. I guess Clementine was Julia Roberts only way was way uglier, stupid and bald. How would I get myself out of this pickle?

To Be Continued……

Don't Cry for me ArgenPHEEna

Hello Peasants,

I apologize for the lag in my response time. I have been at home doing activities at a grueling pace.  My daily schedule is as follows:
-Wake up
-Read the Wall Street Journal and enjoy a nice cup of herbal green tea accompanied by a vanilla pecan biscotti
-Watch Oprah whilst taking notes on how to take over the world, particularly India (I've always had a soft spot for curry and maharashtra)
-Partake in a game of Yatzee with Wrigley
-Intently absorb Fox News with my Grandma while adopting conservative values and wondering just how many people Rush Limbaugh must have eaten to get that fat
-Prank call Long John Silvers
-Take a steamer in the Sauna
-Unwind with a cup of Kahula and Expresso

Anyhow, my test results are in and they are still unsure of my diagnosis. Although the enzyme level in my liver has decreased following my near fatal surgery, the tests still show that my liver is abnormal. They tell me it could be a liver shunt.. I'm not sure what that means since it's so difficult to navigate a keyboard with one paw... I wasn't able to "google it" so if you want to know what it is then look it up yourself you damn humans with functional phalanges... Sorry for the rant. Im not bitter... Anywho, I most recently I found out that I have a murmur in the upper chamber of my heart. My mom said this is because my heart has been working so hard to distribute love and joy to all the people I have come in contact with. She also said that my heart worked extra hard while frisking her stuffed animals before I got fixed. Well, I have an EKG scheduled for Dec 22 and a CT scan scheduled for Dec 23. I feel like I should just move all my belongings to the hospital because that is where I spend most of my time. I have already left a flask of Jack Daniels in my doctor's office and I sneak swigs of it while the doc interacts with my ma and granny. All I  am missing is my termpurpedic bed, humidifier and bag of low fat trail mix.

The weeks ahead will hopefully show more promising results and I have every hope that the doctor will have a concrete game plan on how to proceed. I feel so bad for my poor mother. She has been running herself ragged working extra hours at the office to pay my medical bills. She also has been selling bags of powdered sugar on the street corner. Who knew that people would pay so much money for that stuff! I am just thankful that I have a loving mother who can support me financially without the help of a man. Mom said it's a woman's world now, just look at how far that chick from Wasilla has come...

In closing, I can promise you all this much... I will not go down without a fight! I will not succumb to this disease and lay in bed like Terri Shivo, God rest her soul. I will go out and preach the good word of the lord just like my dear friend Jerry springer. I will find a lady, draw her naked, give her a necklace and save her from a sinking ship. I will find out one of the greatest mysteries on earth, how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootise pop. And I WILL go to Yosemite National Park an have a picnic with Yogi Bear and Boo Boo too! Like my mom says, You can take the dog out of the fight, but you cannot take the fight out of the dog!

Hugs and kissies,

Your brave and tiny future leader of the free world,

Phoenix

Ps- don't forget to have your pet spayed or neutered